Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
