Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
