you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
