and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
