Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
