I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
