I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
