i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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