I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
