John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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