I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
