Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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