hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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