i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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