Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
