chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
