do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
