ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
