isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
