Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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