i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
