I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just had sex on a roof
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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