He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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