I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
