life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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