We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
