Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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