I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
