i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
