my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
