I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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