The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
