genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
