Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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