Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
