I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
