Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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