he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Farmville is her only friend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
