Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
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I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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