What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
