Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
