trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
