I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
