So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
