I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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