walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
