No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
