I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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