Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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