Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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