I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
