I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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