I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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