phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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