i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
