Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
50% drunk capacity currently
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
