There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
