i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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