I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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