I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
