dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
