We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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