pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
