How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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